work / fear of fear of losing

Been playing a couple games lately, have generally done well. Whined breifly about a game of Mall Madness, of all things, but took control of it from there.

I keep wanting to design these dexterity based games, or asymetrical games. I keep wanting to play dexterity games and asymetrical games. I think its that I want to play, but I want to be able to say to myself that I'm not failing if I lose, that it doesn't matter, or that it wasn't really supposed to be necessarily fair anyway. Its not the fear of losing, its the fear of fearing losing. Awful.

I just can't seem to tackle a mental challenge (unless its extremely creative), without it turning into work, without taking it as a failure if I don't do well. I don't know how to get around that.

I think a lot of it is the fact I'm basically doing it for a living. Doing research, writing papers, its this cutthroat, intense exercise in wrangling ideas and pinning them down. Its often not fun, the stakes are high, and confidence that you're doing well is a large part of keeping with it. That attitude finds its way into game playing sometimes.

Its a bad thing.

I feel like I'm getting to the point of being a whole lot less crabby in games, but I still need to fundamentally change the way I think about them. I need to get really jarred out of my thinking somehow. Its insane to me how difficult this has proven to be, when it seems like it would be really easy.

Poof!

I took this blog off my profile's list of displayed blogs. I'm still not sure what the purpose of this blog has ever really been, but I had some coworker stumble upon it and it seemed, in retrospect, too personal for the world at large.

It is still, you know, on the internet, but this seems like a happy compromise. Theoretically only those who have already found it will know about it. The mere threat that one or more such people might read it should be enough to keep me motivated to post, and post genuinely.

- - - -

In any case, I braved a game of Puerto Rico with the Roomies. I undertook a drastically different strategy in an effort to throw myself out of old habits, but still found myself hoping and angling for victory within one turn.

No complaining that I can remember, which was good! I still had some excusemaking, mentioning a bit that I was trying something new, but I think I managed to make it sound at least a little conversational. Baby steps.

I worked in several positive comments, which might have seemed forced, though I did mean them. The fact is, I'm a TALKER. The more my brain is on, the more my mouth wants to talk, and a good strategy game is meant to engage the brain. So its just going to have to happen, I've decided not to fight it. I just need to avoid overthinking, and make sure that whatever I say remains mostly positive.

I ended up winning on the Doubloon tiebreaker, but was perfectly ready to accept loss.

One issue was at the very end, where I pulled an elaborate move to end the game next round, while denying Robin the option to buy and man a 2nd big building in time. It ended up not being the difference. I wondered whether it was too cutthroat a move; mostly it was just a clever-feeling play that I wanted to attempt, and it seemed despotic to deny myself it. I'm still undecided.


Oh, also, last weekend we drafted Magic. I moaned about the deck I ended up building, which really did look bad, but ended up going undefeated over about 7 matches. But, I don't know - it really was my assessment that the deck sucked, and as a talker, it might just be unstoppable to say so. I was downright appologetic to opponents who I inexplicably was able to crush.

As a bigger issue, it occured to me to wonder whether this blog was helping or hurting, at this point. Is it just making me neurotic? I think its still helping, I just have certain habits that are really dying hard, and realizing how many times I end up writing the same halfhearted victories will hopefully serve to keep my on my toes.

Fintere Fleure

Finally played a game, albeit a totally light one. Didn't come close to winning, made no stink about it. Totally fine overall. I still talk to much, but that's just me.

We'll see if it sticks if I get back into actual gameplaying proper again.

...I kid

But it occured to me that is how I sometimes see things, though it was actually thinking about how Geoff seems approach games that lead me to the ideas. Importantly, though, he is much better adjusted about it. Getting there!

Need to play more games. I still don't much want to, but I want to want to. That's good!

How to Win

First, focus on what matters. Find out what the key of the game is, and go for its thoat. Find your strategy, and go for it utterly. Don't dick around with any side stuff that might be useful or interesting. Focus. This is key to many video games - find the dominant tactic and do it as hard as you can. In board games, go for the stuff that improves your position early, and the stuff that determines the winner later. Do not deviate on this matter.

Then, don't settle. This is more of a board game thing. Make sure you've seen all the options, offer any possible deals, explore any allegiances that might help you, maybe make an offhanded remark that might discourage someone from making a move that might hurt you. Coasting kills.

In short, find every possible advantage you can, and apply that entire advantage exactly where its needed. Then you will probably win, but at least you'll be mildly miserable either way.

Vacation Poker

My dad, my brother, my brother's friends Shaun and I played poker while on vacation last week. I did fine, sportingslywise, when I was losing initially, and was gracious when I ended up taking all the money. But my dad was less so, getting really agitated when he lost a hand or two, and blowing up a bit when he lost to a flush that he didn't think Shaun even knew he had. I realized that he's been like this lately, and that I fear playing games with him as a result, sort of cringing at signs that a freakout might happen.

First of all, I hope I don't evoke that reaction in people I (used to?) play with, but I suppose they couldn't rightly be blamed.

But it also made me realize that, at least on some level, I got my problem from him. Is this a nature or nurture thing? I don't feel like I have a lot of memories of him being like this when we played games as a kid; maybe a little, but it seems to be mostly a recent phenomenon. So is there a bad sportsman gene? I sort of doubt it's anything that direct, though I may well have inhereted other underlying elements of his personality that add up to this problem. I wonder what those are? Probably too much to go into now, but the experience was indirectly eye-opening nonetheless.

I also got thinking about my tendency to complain in general, and how that relates to bitterness during losing, but again, I'm not up for it at the moment.

Its a good thing hardle anyone actually reads this.

Blog's not Dead...

...I'm just not playing any board games lately. What has become of me? I feel the itch coming back a bit, we'll see what happens.