I finally played these two games from my Tanga order.
Vegas showdown rates a 7 in terms of preying upon my weaknesses. I did ok with it, though at one point Robin outbid me on a room tile I really wanted, and I pointed out a few too many times that I had miscalculated and let it slip out of my grasp. More problematic was the fact that I (completely accidentally, honest to god, it was 2 of the same building with some unusually specific rule about placement) placed 2 buildings illegally. When it was pointed out, I fixed it as best I could as far as what I would have done had I known, to my significant detriment. Even though it was an honest mistake, I felt like an asshole.
Its no wonder I don't play games any more, what the fuck is wrong with me?
Nexus ops is far more friendly to me, in that it feels quick and has lots of luck. But I completely kicked ass and won handily, which is no real test of my progress. I'm good enough at being a sporting winner, its the losing thats the trouble. I'll have to try to let this victory keep me warm next time I play and fend off the asshole if I'm losing.
Not as reflective nor strong a post as I'd have liked, but its 5 am and I'm fending off insomnia, so god dammit.
I think I'm getting better, gameswise, but my progress remains slow. You'd think recognizing the problem would be all it took, but whatever my issue is is apparently deep-seated at worst, and tenacious at best.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
I've been way off on posts here, for a few reasons:
1. I've been slacking
2. For a while I forgot the login for the blog
3. I just haven't been playing all that many games
I did play two games of consequence: Bootleggers and Masons. I arrived at some conclusions, which I'll summarize here.
I played bootleggers with Robin, Christina and Chris, I believe was the 4th. I didn't do all that well, in terms of sportsmanship. I tried, but generally couldn't succeed. I got caught in that "I've got a plan, and I think I can make it work, and I don't want it getting screwed up" mode. I complained about my card situation a bit, I snapped at Chris for making a suggestion for one of my moves, I think even describing it as "a loser approach" before explaining why the reasoning was strategically flawed.
The fact is, that is not a good game for me. It had a lot going on, and it fully engaged my brain, and once that happens, I have a hard time having fun. Its almost that I can't play a game that's too strategic. Its almost like, once a game gets heavy enough, my whole brain gets into it, including the part used for having fun. The fun-having lobe gets tasked with problem-solving, rather than performing its natural duty. I won, frankly, as usual.
I also played Masons with Robin and Christina. I had played the game before, I lost fairly badly, and had a much better time. The key is, in that game, I can't obsess the way I do in other games. You have very limited choices at any given moment and overall the flow of the game is not wholly under your control, due to luck, hidden information and the actions of other players. Also importantly, you have goal cards that are hidden from other players, so they don't know why you chose the moves you did. Basically, there is little way for someone to think that you made a bad move, because as far as they know, you have your reasons.
So basically, I don't get that masterplan complex, nor that they're-gonna-think-I'm-stupid complex, and I can actually enjoy the game.
I still don't have a handle on how to achieve that in games at will, and sadly I've found myself turning down games the last few times they've been offered, I don't know what happened.
I think part of it is my school work - doing this survey was really intense, requiring huge amounts analysis, and I never really turned it off. Now I'm just in overanalysis mode, where I just mentally tackle anything in front of me with abandon. Its not a healthy way to live, and I need to break out of it, in general. I'm also going through a sort of socially insecure period, and I still fear doing badly at games, which is insane. Anyone I know knows I generally do well, and would much, much rather see me lighten up than continue to prove anything.
I've flirted with "hoping to lose" and its not a bad idea. Or just giving myself another goal, like trying to make some specific person have as much fun as possible, so I can focus my energy on something other than winning. The fact is, I am an attacker of problems, and I can't just not focus on something. I just need to focus on something other than winning, something I have little control of, and that puts me at odds with other players.
Lets play sick and sicker.
Sick: when I think about playing a game, my first thought is a vague fear that I won't win, a panicked need to find a way to ensure I do (allow me to disclaim, its never in the tiniest way occured to me to cheat, lest it sound like that's where I'm going with this). Sometimes, when I know I'm going to play a given game, I find myself reading strategies and things.
Sicker: I'm pretty sure I do this just so that I can be so assued of victory that I can satisfy that part of my brain. I feel a need to be able to win with one hand tied behind my back, not because I really want to win, but because I don't want to have to worry about winning. If I can just get myself to a point where I'm definately going to win, I subconsciously reason with myself, then I can just sit back and enjoy the game like I want to.
Let me clarify once again, at least consciously, I don't feel like I care whether I win. I almost feel relieved when I lose, frankly. But when I'm in the game, I am driven in a way I have little control over. Its like a game is a beast to be slain, and unless it is an utterly unworthy luckfest of a game, I am simply compelled to run screaming, sword waving, towards its swarthy breast. Alas that I could watch it frollick.
I don't know if I have a great plan of action here. But it is my hope that by further plumbing the nature of my problem, that I can identify and thwart it when it arises. The more easily I see it happening, the better chance I have of getting ahold of myself before it arises. And hopefully, with practice, I can change my attitude.
Its strange, even when I set out with the express purpose of having the right approach, doing so is far, far from trivial. Tonight I might play a game or two, we'll see how it goes.
1. I've been slacking
2. For a while I forgot the login for the blog
3. I just haven't been playing all that many games
I did play two games of consequence: Bootleggers and Masons. I arrived at some conclusions, which I'll summarize here.
I played bootleggers with Robin, Christina and Chris, I believe was the 4th. I didn't do all that well, in terms of sportsmanship. I tried, but generally couldn't succeed. I got caught in that "I've got a plan, and I think I can make it work, and I don't want it getting screwed up" mode. I complained about my card situation a bit, I snapped at Chris for making a suggestion for one of my moves, I think even describing it as "a loser approach" before explaining why the reasoning was strategically flawed.
The fact is, that is not a good game for me. It had a lot going on, and it fully engaged my brain, and once that happens, I have a hard time having fun. Its almost that I can't play a game that's too strategic. Its almost like, once a game gets heavy enough, my whole brain gets into it, including the part used for having fun. The fun-having lobe gets tasked with problem-solving, rather than performing its natural duty. I won, frankly, as usual.
I also played Masons with Robin and Christina. I had played the game before, I lost fairly badly, and had a much better time. The key is, in that game, I can't obsess the way I do in other games. You have very limited choices at any given moment and overall the flow of the game is not wholly under your control, due to luck, hidden information and the actions of other players. Also importantly, you have goal cards that are hidden from other players, so they don't know why you chose the moves you did. Basically, there is little way for someone to think that you made a bad move, because as far as they know, you have your reasons.
So basically, I don't get that masterplan complex, nor that they're-gonna-think-I'm-stupid complex, and I can actually enjoy the game.
I still don't have a handle on how to achieve that in games at will, and sadly I've found myself turning down games the last few times they've been offered, I don't know what happened.
I think part of it is my school work - doing this survey was really intense, requiring huge amounts analysis, and I never really turned it off. Now I'm just in overanalysis mode, where I just mentally tackle anything in front of me with abandon. Its not a healthy way to live, and I need to break out of it, in general. I'm also going through a sort of socially insecure period, and I still fear doing badly at games, which is insane. Anyone I know knows I generally do well, and would much, much rather see me lighten up than continue to prove anything.
I've flirted with "hoping to lose" and its not a bad idea. Or just giving myself another goal, like trying to make some specific person have as much fun as possible, so I can focus my energy on something other than winning. The fact is, I am an attacker of problems, and I can't just not focus on something. I just need to focus on something other than winning, something I have little control of, and that puts me at odds with other players.
Lets play sick and sicker.
Sick: when I think about playing a game, my first thought is a vague fear that I won't win, a panicked need to find a way to ensure I do (allow me to disclaim, its never in the tiniest way occured to me to cheat, lest it sound like that's where I'm going with this). Sometimes, when I know I'm going to play a given game, I find myself reading strategies and things.
Sicker: I'm pretty sure I do this just so that I can be so assued of victory that I can satisfy that part of my brain. I feel a need to be able to win with one hand tied behind my back, not because I really want to win, but because I don't want to have to worry about winning. If I can just get myself to a point where I'm definately going to win, I subconsciously reason with myself, then I can just sit back and enjoy the game like I want to.
Let me clarify once again, at least consciously, I don't feel like I care whether I win. I almost feel relieved when I lose, frankly. But when I'm in the game, I am driven in a way I have little control over. Its like a game is a beast to be slain, and unless it is an utterly unworthy luckfest of a game, I am simply compelled to run screaming, sword waving, towards its swarthy breast. Alas that I could watch it frollick.
I don't know if I have a great plan of action here. But it is my hope that by further plumbing the nature of my problem, that I can identify and thwart it when it arises. The more easily I see it happening, the better chance I have of getting ahold of myself before it arises. And hopefully, with practice, I can change my attitude.
Its strange, even when I set out with the express purpose of having the right approach, doing so is far, far from trivial. Tonight I might play a game or two, we'll see how it goes.
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