Poof!

I took this blog off my profile's list of displayed blogs. I'm still not sure what the purpose of this blog has ever really been, but I had some coworker stumble upon it and it seemed, in retrospect, too personal for the world at large.

It is still, you know, on the internet, but this seems like a happy compromise. Theoretically only those who have already found it will know about it. The mere threat that one or more such people might read it should be enough to keep me motivated to post, and post genuinely.

- - - -

In any case, I braved a game of Puerto Rico with the Roomies. I undertook a drastically different strategy in an effort to throw myself out of old habits, but still found myself hoping and angling for victory within one turn.

No complaining that I can remember, which was good! I still had some excusemaking, mentioning a bit that I was trying something new, but I think I managed to make it sound at least a little conversational. Baby steps.

I worked in several positive comments, which might have seemed forced, though I did mean them. The fact is, I'm a TALKER. The more my brain is on, the more my mouth wants to talk, and a good strategy game is meant to engage the brain. So its just going to have to happen, I've decided not to fight it. I just need to avoid overthinking, and make sure that whatever I say remains mostly positive.

I ended up winning on the Doubloon tiebreaker, but was perfectly ready to accept loss.

One issue was at the very end, where I pulled an elaborate move to end the game next round, while denying Robin the option to buy and man a 2nd big building in time. It ended up not being the difference. I wondered whether it was too cutthroat a move; mostly it was just a clever-feeling play that I wanted to attempt, and it seemed despotic to deny myself it. I'm still undecided.


Oh, also, last weekend we drafted Magic. I moaned about the deck I ended up building, which really did look bad, but ended up going undefeated over about 7 matches. But, I don't know - it really was my assessment that the deck sucked, and as a talker, it might just be unstoppable to say so. I was downright appologetic to opponents who I inexplicably was able to crush.

As a bigger issue, it occured to me to wonder whether this blog was helping or hurting, at this point. Is it just making me neurotic? I think its still helping, I just have certain habits that are really dying hard, and realizing how many times I end up writing the same halfhearted victories will hopefully serve to keep my on my toes.

Fintere Fleure

Finally played a game, albeit a totally light one. Didn't come close to winning, made no stink about it. Totally fine overall. I still talk to much, but that's just me.

We'll see if it sticks if I get back into actual gameplaying proper again.

...I kid

But it occured to me that is how I sometimes see things, though it was actually thinking about how Geoff seems approach games that lead me to the ideas. Importantly, though, he is much better adjusted about it. Getting there!

Need to play more games. I still don't much want to, but I want to want to. That's good!

How to Win

First, focus on what matters. Find out what the key of the game is, and go for its thoat. Find your strategy, and go for it utterly. Don't dick around with any side stuff that might be useful or interesting. Focus. This is key to many video games - find the dominant tactic and do it as hard as you can. In board games, go for the stuff that improves your position early, and the stuff that determines the winner later. Do not deviate on this matter.

Then, don't settle. This is more of a board game thing. Make sure you've seen all the options, offer any possible deals, explore any allegiances that might help you, maybe make an offhanded remark that might discourage someone from making a move that might hurt you. Coasting kills.

In short, find every possible advantage you can, and apply that entire advantage exactly where its needed. Then you will probably win, but at least you'll be mildly miserable either way.

Vacation Poker

My dad, my brother, my brother's friends Shaun and I played poker while on vacation last week. I did fine, sportingslywise, when I was losing initially, and was gracious when I ended up taking all the money. But my dad was less so, getting really agitated when he lost a hand or two, and blowing up a bit when he lost to a flush that he didn't think Shaun even knew he had. I realized that he's been like this lately, and that I fear playing games with him as a result, sort of cringing at signs that a freakout might happen.

First of all, I hope I don't evoke that reaction in people I (used to?) play with, but I suppose they couldn't rightly be blamed.

But it also made me realize that, at least on some level, I got my problem from him. Is this a nature or nurture thing? I don't feel like I have a lot of memories of him being like this when we played games as a kid; maybe a little, but it seems to be mostly a recent phenomenon. So is there a bad sportsman gene? I sort of doubt it's anything that direct, though I may well have inhereted other underlying elements of his personality that add up to this problem. I wonder what those are? Probably too much to go into now, but the experience was indirectly eye-opening nonetheless.

I also got thinking about my tendency to complain in general, and how that relates to bitterness during losing, but again, I'm not up for it at the moment.

Its a good thing hardle anyone actually reads this.

Blog's not Dead...

...I'm just not playing any board games lately. What has become of me? I feel the itch coming back a bit, we'll see what happens.

Chess on Lake Eleanor

Just for completeness sake, I'll include a quick note about the games of Chess I played with Dan whilst visiting him in Yosemite. The short version is, I explained this blog to him, and how I need to stop announcing when I wasn't playing my hardest, so to speak. Then I told him, "But technically, I just told you *about* how I do that, I didn't actually *do* it. So I'm ok." And then I made my move. I'm not sure if that counts or what.

It was a gorgeous place for games. Also, we didn't have a chess set, but fashioned a suprisingly passable one out of a piece of cardboard and the interlocking blocks I got from the weekend's Shinteki decathalon.

Nexus Ops and Vegas Showdown

I finally played these two games from my Tanga order.

Vegas showdown rates a 7 in terms of preying upon my weaknesses. I did ok with it, though at one point Robin outbid me on a room tile I really wanted, and I pointed out a few too many times that I had miscalculated and let it slip out of my grasp. More problematic was the fact that I (completely accidentally, honest to god, it was 2 of the same building with some unusually specific rule about placement) placed 2 buildings illegally. When it was pointed out, I fixed it as best I could as far as what I would have done had I known, to my significant detriment. Even though it was an honest mistake, I felt like an asshole.

Its no wonder I don't play games any more, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Nexus ops is far more friendly to me, in that it feels quick and has lots of luck. But I completely kicked ass and won handily, which is no real test of my progress. I'm good enough at being a sporting winner, its the losing thats the trouble. I'll have to try to let this victory keep me warm next time I play and fend off the asshole if I'm losing.

Not as reflective nor strong a post as I'd have liked, but its 5 am and I'm fending off insomnia, so god dammit.

I think I'm getting better, gameswise, but my progress remains slow. You'd think recognizing the problem would be all it took, but whatever my issue is is apparently deep-seated at worst, and tenacious at best.

I've been way off on posts here, for a few reasons:
1. I've been slacking
2. For a while I forgot the login for the blog
3. I just haven't been playing all that many games

I did play two games of consequence: Bootleggers and Masons. I arrived at some conclusions, which I'll summarize here.

I played bootleggers with Robin, Christina and Chris, I believe was the 4th. I didn't do all that well, in terms of sportsmanship. I tried, but generally couldn't succeed. I got caught in that "I've got a plan, and I think I can make it work, and I don't want it getting screwed up" mode. I complained about my card situation a bit, I snapped at Chris for making a suggestion for one of my moves, I think even describing it as "a loser approach" before explaining why the reasoning was strategically flawed.

The fact is, that is not a good game for me. It had a lot going on, and it fully engaged my brain, and once that happens, I have a hard time having fun. Its almost that I can't play a game that's too strategic. Its almost like, once a game gets heavy enough, my whole brain gets into it, including the part used for having fun. The fun-having lobe gets tasked with problem-solving, rather than performing its natural duty. I won, frankly, as usual.

I also played Masons with Robin and Christina. I had played the game before, I lost fairly badly, and had a much better time. The key is, in that game, I can't obsess the way I do in other games. You have very limited choices at any given moment and overall the flow of the game is not wholly under your control, due to luck, hidden information and the actions of other players. Also importantly, you have goal cards that are hidden from other players, so they don't know why you chose the moves you did. Basically, there is little way for someone to think that you made a bad move, because as far as they know, you have your reasons.

So basically, I don't get that masterplan complex, nor that they're-gonna-think-I'm-stupid complex, and I can actually enjoy the game.

I still don't have a handle on how to achieve that in games at will, and sadly I've found myself turning down games the last few times they've been offered, I don't know what happened.

I think part of it is my school work - doing this survey was really intense, requiring huge amounts analysis, and I never really turned it off. Now I'm just in overanalysis mode, where I just mentally tackle anything in front of me with abandon. Its not a healthy way to live, and I need to break out of it, in general. I'm also going through a sort of socially insecure period, and I still fear doing badly at games, which is insane. Anyone I know knows I generally do well, and would much, much rather see me lighten up than continue to prove anything.

I've flirted with "hoping to lose" and its not a bad idea. Or just giving myself another goal, like trying to make some specific person have as much fun as possible, so I can focus my energy on something other than winning. The fact is, I am an attacker of problems, and I can't just not focus on something. I just need to focus on something other than winning, something I have little control of, and that puts me at odds with other players.

Lets play sick and sicker.

Sick: when I think about playing a game, my first thought is a vague fear that I won't win, a panicked need to find a way to ensure I do (allow me to disclaim, its never in the tiniest way occured to me to cheat, lest it sound like that's where I'm going with this). Sometimes, when I know I'm going to play a given game, I find myself reading strategies and things.

Sicker: I'm pretty sure I do this just so that I can be so assued of victory that I can satisfy that part of my brain. I feel a need to be able to win with one hand tied behind my back, not because I really want to win, but because I don't want to have to worry about winning. If I can just get myself to a point where I'm definately going to win, I subconsciously reason with myself, then I can just sit back and enjoy the game like I want to.

Let me clarify once again, at least consciously, I don't feel like I care whether I win. I almost feel relieved when I lose, frankly. But when I'm in the game, I am driven in a way I have little control over. Its like a game is a beast to be slain, and unless it is an utterly unworthy luckfest of a game, I am simply compelled to run screaming, sword waving, towards its swarthy breast. Alas that I could watch it frollick.

I don't know if I have a great plan of action here. But it is my hope that by further plumbing the nature of my problem, that I can identify and thwart it when it arises. The more easily I see it happening, the better chance I have of getting ahold of myself before it arises. And hopefully, with practice, I can change my attitude.

Its strange, even when I set out with the express purpose of having the right approach, doing so is far, far from trivial. Tonight I might play a game or two, we'll see how it goes.

Session 6: Several weeks in March and April 2007
Game: Europe Engulfed
Players: Robin and I
Result: Won
My Competitiveness: 8
My enjoyment (based on my attitude): 5
Others' enjoyment (based on my attitude): 4 (1?)
Overall Self-Grade: D-

Well, the game of Europe Engulfed finally ended. The short version is, Robin didn't maintain control of the English Channel, and I completely botched the Eastern Front, but Robin's mistake cost him first, and I ended up invading and crushing England in 1942, ending the game.

The problem really was that Eastern Front, where I thought I had it locked up, and didn't (see previous post). I handled it badly, and unfortunately continued to handle it badly even into the next and final session. That mistake just kept fucking with every one of my moves, and got worse and worse, and it was terribly frustrating. I've already beaten myself up about it a lot here, and just in my own mind, so I'm going to see what I can learn from it.

First of all, the mitigating circumstances. This is by far the most complicated game I've ever played. It seemed impossible to keep all the dozens and dozens and dozens of rules in mind, and we missed more than one as we went on. The game also took forever, probably 6 or 7 multiple-hour sessions. This was the first time I had ever played it, and had no concept of what the strategy should be.

So given that it was my first time playing, I would ideally just be a little silly about it and try stuff. For the most part, this is what I did. But when you don't know the rules, its hard to just try something, you have to really invest a lot of effort into figuring out if its working. You become invested in every move, because its not just try and see, its decide and then work through every arduous detail of figuring out how to derive and enact the consequences of it. And in a broader sense, when the game is this long, you have spent 20 hours playing, you can't help but be annoyed when you are surprised by a catastrophic turn of events that destroys your basic strategy. No matter how good a sport you are, playing a game for 20 hours and watching a misinterpretation of the board state lay to waste your best laid plans, thats frustrating shit.

As I've already been over, thats no excuse in general, nor a good excuse for bitching the way I did. I needed to get over it, but I at least wanted to go over, for my benefit if nothing else, what aspects of the game contributed to this situation.

Now, what did I contribute? Part of this whole exercise is figuring out what I want from games, and why that causes me to act out when I play them. What is it that gets me frustrated, exactly? I think it's these situations, oftentimes:

- Thwarted plans: When I happen upon something clever that I think of to do, I get excited, and extremely focused on trying to make my clever plan work. I become very invested in its success, and I get upset if it doesn't work out. I think this is part of a larger issue, where I assume that my view on a situation is shared by everyone. That is, I assume that everyone knows what I was trying to do, was watching to see if I could pull it off, and is disappointed in me if I don't, and wants to know why I couldn't do what I thought I could, and what they expected me to be able to do. This might play into all manner of deeper psychological issues, including, off the top of my head:
- Delusions of grandeur: subconsciously seeing myself as the star of the situation, thinking that it revolves around me, as if I was Tiger Woods, and the other players are not only not playing at my level, but are mere spectators.
- Fear of judgement: thinking that everyone is constantly evaluating me, and harshly. Failing at a board game is, in my mind, equated with losing face in some very significant way. Which is insane obviously. But this issue plays out in many parts of my life. Just to go WAY beyond the scope of this blog, I'm pretty sure this aspect of my personality was borne by my relationship with my parents, and is part of why I'm not really eager to see a psychiatrist. Like I said, WAY beyond.

As a side note, as I eventually learned via the main incident that inspired this blog, I'm liable to turn this judgement onto others, and be an asshole when others take game actions that I don't approve of. In my defense, I've probably only done this twice, ever, but thats beyond twice too many times. There's no excuse for that.

So anyway, I think that's the main thrust of it. If I allow myself to become personally invested in a game plan I become intensely focused on finding ways to make it work. I mean, in general, this is the way I cope, I am an analyzer and problem solver, and its liable to find its way into games.

Worse though, when the plan falls apart, I assume that everyone knows what I had planned, that it didn't work, and thinks I'm a failure for it. So I get defensive and start making explanations and excuses, and it turns into a situation where my self-confidence is at stake.

This then, I think, is why I started losing interest in games. I don't want that pressure. But the solution is to realize that a game is just a game, not a problem to be solved, or a test to fail. To realize that everyone is too busy focusing on their own gameplay, or ideally just enjoying the game to be worrying about how I fucked up in ways that are completely opaque to them. If I'm losing, somebody else is winning, and they are MUCH more interested in that fact than the fact that I didn't win. So the things I need to remind to myself of are:

- Its just a game. Make decisions, let the story play out, play your part. It's not a problem to be solved.

- Nobody cares if you don't win. They probably don't care if you do win. They're just trying to have a good time. See if you can take the hint, and if you can't join in, don't you dare fuck it up for them.

Session 5: Weekend of 4-25-07
Game: A few turns of Europe Engulfed
Players: Robin and I
Result: None yet

My Competitiveness: 7
My enjoyment (based on my attitude): 8
Others' enjoyment (based on my attitude): 8 (1?)
Overall Self-Grade: D-

Well, here I had a significant breakdown. Robin moved some units through a neutral territory to get behind me, where I had assumed that was impossible. Basically, if I had sent 1 unit down there, which would have been trivial, I could have prevented it, but I didn't really look at the situation closely and it ended up causing huge problems for me. I was pretty pissy about it, complaining bitterly that I didn't realize he could do that. I slowly got my bearings and clarified that it was kosher, I just didn't see it, and eventually appologized outright, but it still was not the ideal reaction.

Its a long, complicated, involved game, and watching a stupid mistake cost you all that investment in time and effort is no fun, but I undeniably reacted badly, and need to learn from this. Ideally, I won't care, but thats a long way off for situations like this. Instead, I need to be upset if I need to be, but keep it to myself, and get back on track as quickly as possible.

Otherwise, it was our most enjoyable session, for both of us I think. I talked myself into playing a little more recklessly, and it was a very dynamic series of moves.

Session 4: Weekend of 4-21-07
Game: Blokus, 4 times
Players: Lots of folks, mostly Rebecca, Leslie, Scott, Luke

Result: Won one of four
My Competitiveness: 6
My enjoyment (based on my attitude): 7
Others' enjoyment (based on my attitude): 8
Overall Self-Grade: B+

I kvetched a bit when I got blocked, but not overly badly. I'm pretty comfortable with the strategy in this game, so I didn't overthink much, but its easy enough to keep your attitude good when you feel confident. I reckon I just generally feel secure, I need to nurture that attidude more easily.

At first, I was beating myself up a bit about this one, because I was definately trying to compete, but then again, I didn't go much beyond just trying to make a decent move. I didn't overdo it, I don't think.

I need to curb the kvetching, as I keep saying. Though, the last 2 times its been a problem, someone was at least as complainey as I was, which sort of let me let my guard down. Still, I shouldn't let that happen, nothing wrong with being a much better sport than anyone else, rather than just not-the-worst.

Session 3: Weekend of 4-21-07
Game: Set, lots of times
Players: Lots of folks, mostly Rebecca, Angela, Leslie, Scott
Result: Won a third of so of the time

My Competitiveness: 4
My enjoyment (based on my attitude): 9
Others' enjoyment (based on my attitude): 8
Overall Self-Grade: A

This is sort of a tough game to be competitive about, but I still did well, letting people have points where the calls were close, congratulating people when they made nice sets. I was still pretty talky, but that's probably nothing I'm going to fix, and it wasn't in a bad way. This was an easy one, especially since it was vaguely real time and therefore there was no time to tgrack score or stew on it, but I still did very well.

Session 2: 4-18-07
Game: San Marco
Players: Me, Robin, Christina
Result: Won

My Competitiveness: 6
My enjoyment (based on my attitude): 8
Others' enjoyment (based on my attitude): 7
Overall Self-Grade: B

This was a weird one. The mechanics really lend themselves to overthinking, and I had to force myself not to. I generally just worried about not doing something totally awful, and was pretty willing to say fuck it, close enough.

I was a little more vocal about this than I'd have liked, again I don't need to advertise my lack of competitiveness. It was a tough one though, and it being my first game of a subtle game, I did ok. I also kvetched a bit about my pieces continually getting banished by Robin and Christina, but I think it stayed in the realm of "good-natured", especially given how many times in a row I was targeted. Still, stuff I could cut out.

Things to improve: Still need to just make my move without advertising my uncompetitiveness. Overall though, getting pretty good, knowing I'm accountable to the blog is helping, just to be conscious of it, and making it not ok to let my emotions get the better of me.

Session 1: 4-16-07
Game: Settlers of Catan
Players: Me, Robin, Christina, Angela

Result: Won
My Competitiveness: 7
My enjoyment : 7
Others' enjoyment : 8
Overall Self-Grade: B-

My first game since my plan for improvement. I generally did well, I got a little crabby at first, but this was more because people were acting ridiculous in ways totally outside the game. I took silly chances with my initial selections, traded kindly, never thief-ed agressively, was good-natured about getting theif-ed.

That said, it was still a bit forced. I had to say "I'm going to go against my usual strategy", however sort of jokily, when I did it. I had to point out when I was giving someone a good trade, and had to say "It's ok if you theif me" in a way that seemed forced. Also, I did still win, and was still concerned about my plans coming together.

I complained in a way that I considered good-natured about certain numbers coming up uncanily often, but I would ideally cut that out too.

Its a start, but I have a long way to go, especially if I'm to reach Hsieh-like levels of unselfishness.

Lessons: If you're going to be cool, just do it, no need to point it out. There might be no such thing as good-natured complaining, just cut it out altogether.